And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb./ There's a fine, fine line between love/And a waste of time.

Man, it's been so long since I just adored a list book. It's such a wonderful feeling, discovering a book through this that I'd never have read otherwise, and then just falling in love with it. Lucy Gault broke a long streak of "meh."

It sort of reminded me of Ian McEwan, whom I adore. Like many McEwan's, it's about how a moment, a small choice, a small mistake, can have huge, life-altering implications and can lead to just absolute devastation. The book is interested in how love fails and how people cope with and are shaped by guilt.

I'm also fascinated by books by adults for adults that involve children and children's inner worlds. It's so interested to compare these to books for children. There's some type of literature course here, I'm sure, on that topic.

Anyway, some favorite quotes:

"It's no good, loving one another"
"Why isn't it?"
"I'm not someone to love."
"Oh, Lucy, you are! If only you know how much you are!"

It was Bridget who had told him how his daughter's limp had lessened with the years and how a stoicism had developed in her as a child when those same years failed her, how faith had still been kept, love shattered.

Hers was a different allocation of time and circumstances from her mother's, from her father's. She could not pretend.

Big girls don't fly

In doubles/duo static trapeze, like most duo circus acts, you have a flyer and a base for each trick/pose (some tricks are dynamic, but mostly are hitting a specific pose). The base's job is to be strong and in control. The base is supporting the flyer's weight to varying degrees depending on the trick. The flyer's job is to be light, tight, and trusting of their base.

The basic example I always give is of the base in a catch-lock (similar to a knee-hang but more secure) hanging from the bar by their legs, with a fly hanging from the base's hands in an inverted split.

In a given act, partners can switch roles, but usually one person is the flyer and the other the base, at least generally. And usually, the smaller person is the flyer.

When I first started static doubles, I mostly based. This was for a number of reasons.

• I'm pretty strong
• I don't like inversions; the flyer has the scarier job generally
• I'm a natural base in that I have a good sense of how to balance my weight and the other person's
• Conversely, I'm not a natural flyer; my instinct isn't to get tight when things get scary and I have trust issues

But, one main reason was just that I felt (feel) too big to fly. I acknowledge that I'm not huge. I'm on the taller side of average at 5'7" and I clock in at about 134 Lbs anymore. During my ballet years, I weighed so much less. I also wasn't as healthy or as strong, but there is part of me that will always want that body back.

So, fine, I'm not fat. But I'm also not petite. I have curves (as my chiropractor once said, my hips would be great for popping out babies). Circus has plenty of tiny women, so when I partner with women I often get to base.

Then, Drew and I started doing doubles together. He's taller and weighs more, but not by much on either, so I can base him and sometimes do. We're working on a routine right now where I'm the base in one of the fancier moves, even. However, I am smaller and he is stronger and static is a decently gendered activity, so I mostly fly anymore.

On the one hand, this often terrifies me. Working on inversions takes a lot of steeliness from me (Mandy often says that I'm tough, and I guess maybe I am, but it doesn't really feel that way), but I keep trying.

On the other hand, it helps me tremendously that Drew is my base, since I trust him so much. There are things we do together that I really can't imagine trusting anyone else enough to base (except our instructor). I can see that for some couples partner acts would not be a good idea, but for us it works really well (even if I sometimes feel bad that I'm the weak link in our act and I know that I'm slowing him down).

I still often feel too big to fly, but I'm slowly getting past that piece, too. At first it was really hard to actually give Drew my full weight (it's weird that it made me self-conscious, but it definitely did), and I'm over that now. I'd love to end this post triumphantly saying that I'm over these issues generally and I'm comfortable as the flyer now, but I'm really not. It's a work in progress. Circus has been so many things to me, and one is a safe (albeit scary) place to work on body image demons, and to work to see my body primarily as functional and strong.

Don't run off in the pouring rain/ Don't call me as they call your plane/ Take the hurt out of all the pain

I feel like I owe a progress report, but it's seriously depressing. I have read six books so far this year (on the list, anyway). I've picked up a bit in February compared to January, but considering how bad January was it's a) not saying much and b) not enough to counter the effects. I've read 644 on the list so far. I desperately want to be at 700. I think that would help me psychologically.

That said, I'm super excited because: today I started a third list document to help me on my quest! This is huge, y'all. For years, years now I've been using two lists. One keeps track of all the books and I bold the ones I've read. I use that to help when I'm searching for books. The other is my running list of all the books that I've read. I use that when I want a quick reference for how far I'm at. It's super important to track what I've read, because honestly, at this point there are many I don't remember.

So, what's the purpose of this new list? To keep track of the books that DCPL does not have in their system. At first, tracking that didn't really matter much, since there were so many books to read I could just move along. However, as we get closer to the end of the project I won't be able to do that as much. Starting to find these books will save a lot of pain in the near future. Whenever I buy a book, usually for a trip, I should be buying books that I can't get at the library. This new list will make that easier.

I swear, one day this project will be all about me trying desperately to find a copy of Adjunct: An Undigest for like, years and years.