I miss the highs and lows/ All the climbing, all the falling/ All the while the wild wind blows/ Stinging you with snow/ And soaking you with rain/ I miss the mountains/ I miss the pain

Sometimes when I'm reading a particularly challenging or incomprehensible text, I will read up on it either prior to starting it (when I know in advance) or soon after commencing with it when it rapidly becomes apparent that I need to. Wikipedia is a super helpful tool; if I have a good sense of the overarching plot, structure, themes, and style of a work, it's much easier to read hard texts decently quickly.

Other times, I go into books completely blind. Like I did with my current read, Blonde. I was reading along, main character's name is Norma Jean, she's blonde, etc. And then way too far in, I suddenly realized what it's about and I felt very stupid. Ah, well.

Give me pain if that's what's real/ It's the price we pay to feel

Hopefully this post will be somewhat comprehensible. The New Yorker (bane of this project) recently ran a piece called The Pleasure of Reading to Impress Yourself. I actually think this piece's reach exceeds its grasp, but nonetheless I enjoyed it. It resonated with me, since really, maybe that's the point of the list project at the end of the day?

I admit that I'm often pretty self-deprecating when I talk about this endeavor. Some of that is sincere in that I don't think this project is unusually impressive or better than other reading projects or priorities. At the same time, I do think that I have benefited enormously as a reader by doing this project.

I knew that the project would expose me to books that I would not have otherwise read, and that's certainly been a main benefit. I've fallen in love with authors' works that I certainly would have been very unlikely to come across some other way. But there's more than that.

By trying to read so much and so broadly and works so ambitious and at times challenging, I've expanded my horizons as a reader. I better appreciate references and in-jokes. I can see how certain writers influenced others; I can trace the evolution of the novel through my own firsthand reading experiences. I've come to understand certain authors by looking to the dominant questions/methods/movements of other art forms (e.g. Joyce and Woolf and the visual arts at the time, etc.). I'm a faster reader, and ironically a more patient, trusting reader.

Right now I'm reading Celestial Harmonies, which is a great example of why I love the list project. At first I didn't enjoy it at all, but as I kept going and it began to unfold in this amazingly intricate, exquisite way, I've come to love it. Even if I had tried it without the project, I probably wouldn't have kept going long enough to reach this point.

So, yes, I'm self-deprecating/mocking about this project, but at the end of the day, undertakings like this do come with rewards singular to ambitious projects.

I've been very hopeful so far/ Now for the first time I think we're going wrong

The secret, my friends, to embarking on a difficult, decade-long challenge to read ~348,629 pages is to have support from family and friends.

For example, the other night, I decided to start reading out loud to Sarah and Josh from Celestial Harmonies. I can't explain why. Anyway, as I read they provided helpful commentary basically constantly. Until the point at about five pages in where I read "What makes a family a family?" and Josh said "'Ohana' means family. Family means nobody gets left behind," and I said "Screw it" and went to take a shower.

H: I'll be here for you/ N: You say that right here/ But then give it a year/ Or 10 years or a life

So, how far behind am I for the year? Actually, I don't think that I am at all. I'm at 64, and I need to be at 75 by the end of September. We're about at the midpoint of the quarter, so we are in fact a tiny bit ahead.

I guess that's not all that surprising, really. My pace is consistent on a macro level, but I tend to go in spurts on a more micro level. I'm not sure why that would be the case.

Catch me I'm falling/ Please hear me calling/ Catch me before it's too late

So, I'm actually enjoying my current read! It's so odd; I started to think that maybe I was in a rut that I'd never get out of, but no. Now, it may mostly be the contrast to it and some other recent reads, but I'll take it. This book has a plot! It makes sense! You must understand that I've been reading Sebald and this other book that has been described as incomprehensible.

Now, I didn't actually find it to be totally incomprehensible or anything. In fact, in a way I enjoyed my second Sebald and I enjoyed City Sister Silver, too. But it's sort of like eating a grilled portobello mushroom. It's kind of good, but more interesting than enjoyable, and after awhile very hard for me to eat. Or read. Not a great metaphor.

I also, of course, have a soft spot for Czech literature. If I were independently wealthy with a ton of time on my hand, yes, first I'd max out circus/aerial classes, but after that I'd want to take a Czech literature course. Well, I'd also want to do some dance, music, painting, and language lessons, but at some point, Czech literature. I love Prague. Here is a picture from my work trip to Prague last summer:

And for fun, a picture of ducks at Bletchley Park from my get out of the U.S. trip this year.

Okay, this post got weird.

You'll hear and you'll recall/ the sadness, the doubt, all the loss, the grief/ will belong to some play from the past

Another August, another milestone. Since we have a decimal numeral system and I try to read 100 books a year, I hit the milestones around the same time every year. Somehow, 600 just doesn't feel like that exciting of a milestone, though. Maybe it's because 500 was such a big one; maybe it's because 100 actually isn't really that great of a milestone indicator and the next milestone is actually 750.

Or maybe it's just that I've hit another bout of list project ennui. If I had to describe it in one word at the moment, I'd choose interminable. I will be 31 and a half when this ends if I keep at my current pace. It just feels like it will go on forever.

Anyway, yay! 600 books! Sigh.

What was the 600th book, you ask? Rings of Saturn by Sebald. It is about this guy on a walking tour of Suffolk. I kid you not. I was disappointed, I must admit. Though, I could imagine a scenario where I would enjoy this book. Specifically, if were on vacation for several weeks in isolation, in a house with lots of full-length windows (almost like a green house) out in a tropical forest, I think I'd enjoy reading it.

Am I behind for the year? Yeah, I think that I am.

Who could proudly stand beside me?/ Who will love me as I am?

It's been a loooooooooooooooong time since I've written a random post in honor of lists (not really and I know that these are some of my more ridiculous posts, but whatever). To remedy this, here is a post of all the random exercise fads/trends I've attempted in my life.

• Treadmill running: I watched OLTL and eventually became very, very bitter.
• Ballet and American clogging: At the same studio; they go together well.
• Irish social dance: We moved and this seemed like a good option; I got really good at it.
• Reformer Pilates: The running thing led to a busted back, so I got very into Pilates. I got super spoiled taking 5+ classes a week at my college gym, eventually being invited to join the advanced class. I had no idea how good I had it.
• Half-marathon training: I decided my back was well! I decided that running 17 miles was good half-marathon prep! I decided not to run the half-marathon after all.
• Zumba: I've always had hips, so I figured that I should use them.
• Bhangra: I heard this was a killer dance workout, and I loved the instructor.
• Hip hop: I am so white, but I'm good at memorizing choreography, so it sort of balanced out.
• Pole dancing: This always looks so amazing, but my fear of inversions was just too much
• Barre: There was a studio super nearby with a thing that's not groupon but like groupon but some proceeds go to charity? I don't remember what it's called. And I wanted to get back into dance (barre is NOT dance).
• Flying trapeze: Because I'm still breathing
• Trampoline: Because I have to for flying
• Static trapeze: Because it's pretty
• Lyra: Because I like to spin
• Spanish web: See above
• Silks: Because I'm a masochist
• Acrobatic partner balancing: Because Drew
• Spin: Also because Drew, but I actually fell unexpectedly in love with spin
• Insanity, T25, P90X, etc.: Josh and I got seriously into these and now do a huge mix from a lot of Beach Body options. I guess I started with hip hop abs after I stopped taking hip hop, and then did Insanity and had a sort of whiplash experience from the differences in Shaun T
• SolidCore: See Silks.

Until you name me/ You can’t tame me!/ This is one old game/ That I can play so well…

I've been meaning to write this post for awhile now. Sigh. If intentions were horses I'd be violating my apartment lease; or else I guess boarding them somewhere? That would probably be the better choice.

Anyway, I finished 50 books earlier this month; I always aim to hit the 50 mark by the end of June, so it's exciting to be on track. So exciting, that I took basically a month off to read through a math book at a snail's pace. Yup.

I wanted to read the book as a reward for making so much progress, and then I started wondering if it's weird that I reward myself for my hobby. I mean, it's supposed to be fun inherently, right? Still, mini rewards do help with the motivation. Now I just need to get going again to stay on track for the year.

Normally this would be the time that she would let him talk her out of leaving

It's been a few exciting weeks at the trapeze school; I got to film several people's first swings without safety lines and cheer on others as their first return bars were dropped and in some cases caught. Obviously the highlight for me was Drew taking his swing OOL; I'm so glad that I got to be there and celebrate with him.

When I first started trapeze I hated it. HATED. It scared me so much; climbing that ladder scared me so much. I was in a Saturday flying workshop, and starting on Thursday evenings I would feel so anxious. I never slept well on Fridays. Then on Saturdays I'd spend two hours so intensely facing my fear. What people may not realize is that this went on for 6+ months. It wasn't until I was a few weeks into my third IFW that it started to subside (maybe because I went to Puerto Rico and had to face it for five days in a row? Maybe because I started to get better?).

So, why in the world did I keep going? I don't completely know. I do know that I saw that everyone else at the rig seemed to love flying, and I desperately wanted to be part of that world. I wanted to love it so much. The hardest part was hating that I couldn't.

And then eventually, I started loving flying trapeze.

Lately, several people  have asked when I'm going to take my swing OOL. The answer I always give is, oh, never; it's not why I fly. That's not a world where I'd belong.

The thing is, as special as that world of OOL is, and as happy as I am for everyone who steps into it, there's something special about my flying world, too. About this world where nothing comes easily and everything comes with fear at first and then eventually with love.

About that moment when turnaround isn't scary anymore and I can be aware of my body position (after firmly believing that I'd just be a flyer who never turned around and that I could live with that). About discovering that I love taking off from the second rise (which makes you higher and should make it scarier)

About Mandy having to have a talk with me about the fact that I was ready for an unassisted takeoff and had been for weeks (a talk she said that very, very few people get). About the moment when you realize that you aren't smiling before taking off because Mandy and Meghan said that you had to (it forces your body to let go of some of the nerves and you to collect yourself a bit before taking off), but instead you are smiling in anticipation of the sheer joy of flying.

And, of course, what's really, really special is a place like the rig and the community of flyers there who can welcome and celebrate people in these various worlds.

Some things are meant to be/ The tide turning endlessly/ The way it takes hold of me/ No matter what I do

This. That's all.