The other day Drew and I were talking about what attracts us to static, and I mentioned that one aspect that I enjoy is working through really painful moves, gradually killing nerve endings, gradually building up the tolerance, etc. Apparently, Drew not only doesn't feel the same way, he also thinks that this may make me qualify as a masochist.
It's sort of similar to what I love about flying; I'm pretty sure that I don't love flying trapeze in spite of my serious fear of heights. I'm pretty sure that I love it, at least in part, because of my fear and the high I get from working on that fear (and the lows that I get, let's not kid ourselves). I realize this isn't normal, and maybe I am a masochist.
I've since been trying to think through what I do get out of these two sides of the same coin, playing with fear and playing with pain. I think it's several things:
First, fear and pain are limiting factors. Working this way helps me expand the world that feels safe. I have many irrational, childish fears (fire, I'm looking at you; also, phone calls). If I didn't work on them, the world would actually be scarier. I get to be in control when I make it intentional, and if there's one thing I love in life, it's control.
Second, I get to seem totally crazy. I'm not sure why I like giving the impression to folks that I have a weird relationship with fear and pain, but if I'm being honest, I do like watching people's reactions.
Third, when your hobbies are this scary and this painful, it really does make regular life seem great. You don't know how amazing your feet feel by default until you stop trying to do a toe hang, you really don't. There is just a pure endorphin factor here.
Fourth, I have a greater fear than heights, and that is stasis. I'm terrified to stop learning, growing, striving, trying. Life has to be a constant challenge, even to the point where I have to be constantly in battle with myself.
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