Recently I did the conditioning test at the rig (still conflicted about things, but doing that test on that particular day made me feel strong and triumphant, so I'll take it). I wouldn't say that it was anti-climatic exactly, but at the same time as I've written before, getting to pull-ups felt like something that just suddenly happened.
In some ways, getting stronger is very nice. I like feeling strong. I like doing pull-ups. I like being able to do pull-ups. I like being able (well, less unable) to base someone doing back balance in static trapeze. I like feeling strong and brave and being able to cradle in the ropes up high (for me) and being able to finally, finally fly shoulder stand and feel calm and controlled and strong (hahaha, it doesn't really take strength). I like the confidence that comes with being stronger than I need to be for things that used to be hard. I like how I feel safer attempting static now.
And yet.....
I also recently went to the doctor; I make it a point to never weigh myself. It's not good for my mental health, and I really try to just focus on having a healthy relationship with food and exercise and my body, and that's enough, thank you very much. So I hadn't known my weight in a year. And I weigh about 3lbs more than last year.
Optimally, it would be great for that to not matter. Objectively, it shouldn't. Knowing what I know about muscle density versus fat and how much muscle I likely gained given the training regime I've been doing for the past five months and the strength gains I've seen, I know that I've likely lost around 5-7lbs of fat and weighing more is actually progress to being fitter.
And yet.....
I'll probably never feel that way about weighing more. I was going to write "and maybe that's okay," but I don't know, I guess maybe it is and maybe it isn't, and meanwhile I'm just trying to focus on the positive. I am stronger and braver and maybe for now that's enough.
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