I'm sure something's missing, I wish it would show

I am re-reading Carney's House Party. Because, of course I am. Actually, to be accurate I should say that I just about finished re-reading it, which means that I'm at the proposal scene. At first I was going to name the people involved, but I guess that would be spoiler-y.

Anyway, not the point. I got to the part where the guy is talking with the girl's father to ask permission. This happens in Betsy's Wedding as well. Because the books are written in tight-third around a female character, we never get to see the permission scene, though. This makes me wonder what goes on exactly. In Carney's House Party it's long enough that the girl and the mother are able to make dinner during it, and in Betsy's Wedding the women all get impatient waiting with how long it takes. Even in These Happy Golden Years Almanzo has the chat with Pa and we don't get to hear it.

It makes me think of the scene in Ramona Quimby, Age 8 (or is it Ramona Forever? What is happening to my brain anymore?) where Ramona, Willa Jean and Bruce (who doesn't wee wee in the sandbox) play the wedding scene with Miss Mousie, Mr. Frog and Uncle Rat. The later ones where Uncle Rat says "See if I care" or "Yes but you'll be sorry."

It also makes me think of what my father would say if I had lived a century earlier. Probably something along the lines "that's interesting."

Sing a song of forgetting again

I realize that I have talked (written) about the Betsy books here before. I regularly re-read the series, though, so it makes sense that it keeps cropping up here. And yes, I do realize that I shouldn't re-read books till I finish this project. Such is life.

What I love about the Betsy books is that they fit that very, very rare category of books with which you get something new out of each time you read. The early Betsy books where just pure enjoyment when I was a child; my favorite part was the friendships. Now when I re-read them, I see the role of the adults and love the Rays as a couple and as seriously amazing parents. When I first started college, I adored Carney's House Party; before or after a trip to Europe I always re-read Betsy and the Great World. Betsy and the Great World spoke to me for very different reasons when I first moved to DC.

Most recently I re-read Betsy and Joe, Betsy and the Great World, and Betsy's Wedding. In reverse chronological order, of course, because I make sense like that. To be fair, I actually skimmed Betsy and the Great World. This time, I was focused on the relationship between Betsy and Joe.

Which, I just simply love. They are such a sweet, supportive couple. There are some antiquated aspects of their division of labor as newlyweds, but by and large they are a great relationship role models. They are partners in the life they are building together and in their creative work together (Betsy and Joe, like Maude and Delos, collaborated on many works).

This time, I was most struck by Betsy's role in the relationship. Betsy's crush on Joe is established when they are freshman; it takes Joe a lot longer to come around (though one could argue that he does like her long before he makes a move). Betsy is open about her (seemingly-one-sided) interest, and she often is the more proactive one. Eventually Joe (of course) falls hard for Betsy, but their dynamic is really amazingly progressive. If you look at modern romantic comedies, it's irritating to see how far we've slipped back in so many ways. Of course, part of why I simply adore Betsy is because she wants. She has dreams, ambitions, aspirations; she's not afraid to admit to striving, to sometimes failing, to wanting and maybe not getting and then trying again.

So, yes, definitely a Betsy and Joe shipper. I tend to be a canon shipper generally, but with Betsy, I was totally shocked to learn that there are Tony and Betsy shippers. Seriously? Don't get me wrong, I love Tony, but how can anyone not want Betsy and Joe together?

Daddy never knew that you were on your way/ He had other ladies and other tunes to play

I've been reading Kokoro; I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most of you (hah) have never read of it and many haven't heard of it. It's worth checking out, I'd say (three stars?). It's sort of an idea work. I could write about a few different things, but for obvious reasons this exchange caught my eye and I want to talk about it:

"Why is it, Sensei, that you are not as interested in books as you once were?"
"There is no particular reason ... Well, perhaps it is because I have decided that no matter how many books I may read, I shall never be a very much better man than I am now."

Now, if you have undertaken a massive reading project, this would likely stand out as a thought-provoking passage. There's a number of ways to read this (as arrogant, as defeatist - which seems to be most accurate in the context of the novel -, as sort of zen/enlightenment, etc.) statement. I'm more interested in it, though, in the context of reflecting on my own little project here.

The statement implies that a main goal of reading is self-improvement in various ways. I suppose that could primarily be increased knowledge, but often the argument for reading fiction is that it makes you a better person, more empathetic or something. I don't know if I've improved at all as a person because of undertaking the list project (though I don't really think that I have; at least, not in ways dramatic or interesting), but I also do not really do it for self improvement.

That is not to say that I don't want to improve as a person, of course. I suppose that everyone does; or at least, I rather think that we all should. I tend to divide my improvement goals into two buckets.

The first is on the superficial side, and it's mostly around just living life in a way that seems better. For example, better meal planning, bringing salads for lunch, saving money and improving my retirement planning, cleaning more regularly and getting the apartment to be Apartment Therapy worthy, etc. From an actions = character perspective, that's all pretty important, I suppose.

The second is the more personal side; that is, the side about addressing all the ways in which I specifically am hopelessly flawed. That I suppose is a life journey, though.

Win or lose, it’s all the same. It’s how you take it that counts, and knowing when to let go, when to go on to the next thing

Yay! I have finally completed the 18th century! Now, after the pre-1700s (the only other block I've finished), the 18th century is, of course, the shortest century. So, you could argue, very fairly, that this is a hollow victory. That's fair. Still, it's a milestone and we're going to be happy about it.

Now, here we come to a bit of a blog-post fail on my part. Prior to writing this post, I had an idea for the post based on an expectation that did not come to bear. You see, the final book that I had to read was Confessions by Rousseau. And for some reason, that I can't justify at this point, I was convinced that I would not be able to find it for free online in English. Clearly, as the link shows, that was completely wrong. Again, no idea why I thought that would be the case.

My initial plan to deal with that was to buy an eBook copy on iTunes. I happen to have a $1.05 credit on iTunes, and I figured this would be a good way to make use of that. My plan was to then tell the story about why I have this credit for this post. But then I got it for free, and I still have the credit.

Nonetheless, I will tell that story: I have that credit because of an ill-thought-out baby-sitting gig. I recently got an email from Apple alerting me to an opportunity to get a refund for unathorized in-app purchases.

I'm telling this story really poorly. Let's try again: So, about a year ago I was entertaining a hilarious, precocious then five year old with my iPhone. She elected to play a game called Fruit Ninja, which I was able to download for free. Yay! Ostensibly she was going to teach me how to play it, but she was much more interested in playing herself. I learned nothing. Later I discovered that she bought something with an in-app purchase. I figured, ah well, that's the cost of sharing your phone with a child, and at least she didn't break it, am I right? Then, out of the blue, I got this email and jumped on the chance to reclaim my 99 cents. I'm not sure why that became a $1.05, but what do I know?

Now, after writing this all out, I realize this is not actually a good story. And it's sort of pointless. Oh, well.

Also: five-year-old's high score? 157. My high score? 74. This will come as no surprise to anyone who has ever watched me try to play video games. Except for Sky Roads. I was amazing at that.

Toes!

I recently read a piece about the myth of motivation that argued that to excel at something or achieve something challenging, you have to fall in love with the process of the practice. It's significantly more applicable to my trapeze hobby, of course, but I would argue that the applicable piece to the list project is just falling in love with reading books and not getting hung up on having 440 or so more to go.

Maybe the secret is interim goals. I think the practice/process for me becomes hardest when I feel lost or without direction. That's true for everything. So, I recently set an interim goal of finishing out the 18th Century. Seemed achievable (thanks, Project Gutenberg!), and since I long ago finished the 17th/pre-17th Century section, it seemed like a good idea to finally wrap up the 18th. I'm only one book away! So, has it been helpful and rewarding?

Um, no. Not really. It's been sort of traumatizing due to the Marquis de Sade, and very maddening due to almost everyone else. Le sigh.

Missed sibling day, but:

I don't know, the things I don't know/I'm sure something's missing, I wish it would show

Feel sorry for me. You really should. I'm reading Evelina right now, and it really feels like I've read it before. Which makes sense, since it's remarkably similar to many books I've already read. According to the source of all wisdom and knowledge, this book's claim to fame is that it is social satire of the upper class in Britain in the 18th century, and it did this before/is a precursor to Austen and Edgeworth! Well, fine. But, as Boy George once said, "It's not who did it first; it's who did it best." And I say this as someone who isn't even an Austen fan.

You know I love you... I love you as much as I can

It’s almost April. And, for those of us in this world who work on government grants, that means the end of the second quarter of the fiscal year. Since that’s been my life for approaching five years now (how am I this old how is it possible I’m ancient), it’s certainly my perspective on this time of year.

Of course, being through Q2 of the fiscal year means we’re through with Q1 of the calendar year (concept of fiscal year is so ridiculous). This is a good time of year to also take stock of our progress on the list for the year. I have a general sense of how I need to track each year and what that means on a weekly basis (100 per year, close to two per week), but I don’t really pay all that much attention on a daily or monthly basis.

I wasn’t really paying any attention this year, until recently when I ran the numbers and realized that I was seriously behind. On a weekly basis it’s fine to fluctuate a fair amount, but if you’re behind at the end of Q1, you are probably fairly screwed for the year.  So this discovery led to some catch up with some short or easy reads (thanks, Confessions of Saint Anthony and Heather Blazing!), and we’ve managed to get back on track. Go us!

So, how did we get so dramatically behind? I know that busy-ness is a myth or whatever. Therefore, I won’t say that I’ve been too busy, per se. It’s mostly an energy and focus problem. I always have some time that I could devote to reading each day, but some days I’m just really not in the mood.

Also, while I have time outside of the things that absolutely must happen in my life (work and the admin things that keep me alive and not gross, like grocery shopping and showering), the other things that go into it (trapeze, fitness, social life, etc.) do take a lot of my time. So the project ebbs and flows, but more or less manages to stay on track.

I'm not sure whether Stephanie would approve or not

Today, I paid a visit to my neighborhood library. I was long overdue to pay such a call, and it was nice to reunite like this. I paid this visit to get books, of course, but there were two other factors driving my call. You see, one rather fortunate timing coincidence is that each year as I resolve to do better with the list project, I also get re-motivated to use the library for a completely unrelated reason: I get my W-2 form.

Now, I am not one of those people who opposes taxes. I'm all for the safety net, I think that one of the great failings of humanity is that in a time of such excess there can be such need, I don't think that privatization and deregulation are always the answer, etc. So in theory, don't oppose taxes. In practice, definitely resent them. To help get over my resentment, annually I vow to get the most out of my tax dollars and break even somehow. I'm pretty sure I've always been a net gain for the government, which is largely my parents' fault (though for a reason I'm always grateful for, so...).

When I first moved to DC, I thought "YES! Public transit is the way I will milk the system!" The joke was on me, though. WMATA managed to be so terrible so consistently that basically it is a punishment, not a perk (I never thought I'd be that girl who seriously contemplates, "Metro or Uber?"; life-style creep is real, y'all). Thus, I'm left with the library.

It's a bit challenging, though, to get my money's worth. I seem to have paid about $10,000 in taxes this year (that's a lot) (I may be reading my W-2 wrong) (I really hope I get a refund). If we assume about $7.5 per book (used bookstores, Project Gutenberg, Dover Thrift, etc. bringing it down), that's 1,333.3333 books to break even. I'm sure that you noticed that is sort of past my whole project goal, as it were. I need to find another way.

Now, I'm sure you are wondering how the visit went. Pretty well, I'd say! Monday is, in my opinion, a great day to visit the library since it is the day they are open late, and thus the day I can actually, you know, visit the library.

Though, as I walked in I had to pass a tiny little 20-something librarian yelling at four much bigger teenage guys about their refusal to stop eating candy in the library. I, of course, am on her side: I want a candy-free library as much as the next person, and for multiple reasons I identify with her and not them (I am much more likely to be on the side of impotently trying to enforce arbitrary rules than blatantly and obnoxiously defying them). That said, however, honey, you really lose a lot of your authority when you start screaming in a high-pitched voice to the other librarian about it.

This random, stream-of-consciousness post is brought to you by lonely winter nights when Josh isn't here to entertain me.

I am the one who held you/ I am the one who cried/ I am the one who watched while you died.

I know that I pledged to do better this year, but I must confess that we're not off to a great start. I should be at five books for this year, and I'm only at two. I sort of blame the library on this; I've tried to put a bunch on hold, but none have come in yet. Federal holidays, snow days (seriously, DC, seriously? You are pathetic), etc. have hindered me a bit. I'm reaching the point where I need to be pretty organized about getting books. I'm running out of the easy ones to find.

Sadly, I don't have too much to say about either Bel-Ami or Rob Roy. I did find Rob Roy to be educational, at least. I learned lots about Scottish history and reminded myself about the whole Hanover/Stuart progression with the British Monarchy. The stuff I've forgotten about the British Monarchy (mostly around Richard III, now that I think of it). Bel-Ami, I don't have much to say. I read it after reading a New Yorker article about Roger Ailes (yes, yes, yes, I know: never buy the New Yorker when you are behind on the list), and I felt like there should be some interesting comparisons to make, but mostly I thought Bel-Ami was sort of dull.

I've also been reading this book about Boole and Shannon and the role of Boolean logic in electrical engineering. It was my airplane treat, and it was a lot of fun. And I may have re-read A Ring of Endless Light (and cried).

Oh, this post was boring, you say? Well, here's a picture of me doing static.

The memories are gone. The aftershocks live on/ But with nothing to remember, is there nothing left to grieve?

Shall we talk about 2013? I think it will go on the record as a good year. A stressful, busy, hectic, crazy, good year. Only if we look at my life as a whole, though (year of the amazing apartment, year of great professional growth and opportunities, year of flying higher and stronger with less fear, year of Josh moving in, year of other lovely developments). If we look at it in terms of the project, however, it was a pretty pathetic year. Let's be honest folks.

First, I only read 100 list books this year. I took nearly two months off from the project when I went through a re-reading kick (all the Mary Russel books, seriously; I have nothing to say for myself), a non-fiction kick, and a re-reading of my own writing (humbling and amusing, all at once). I didn't hit the 100th book for the year till December 23rd (Billy Bathgate, which overall I liked and seems like should have been made into a film staring Leonardo DiCaprio circa 20000; it was 538 for the project, which feels rather pathetic to write.

Second, I didn't read any of the crazy long ones this year. I just, didn't. I have nothing to say for myself about this, either. No A Dance to the Music of Time (2944 pgs),  no The Man Without Qualities (1824 pgs), no Uwe (1703 pgs).

So, here's to a better 2014: more books, longer books, keeping up the other good stuff, and as Marmee would say, fashioning my character. I guess that's what every year should be about, becoming a better version of you, at least in some way.